Nine months, 11 days...

So much has happened in the past months and Declan's anniversary is around the corner. With the passing of each month I'd tell myself, this is the day I am going to update the blog. That day comes and passes with so much emotion and very little gumption to update anything. Today I dropped Izzy off at school and then drove back to the house with Liam in the back when a song came on that reminded me of Declan. A song I hadn't heard before, but heard a million times that April and a song I hadn't really heard since. It took my breathe away and as I sat in the garage for a minute, trying to compose myself before Liam figured out I was crying, I realized the song really is about all my children. I've been waiting for all of them for a thousand years. Getting pregnant with Izzy and Liam had been so challenging, and the pregnancies themselves very scary at times. To then get pregnant again so easily and then have that taken away... It something Fred and I struggle with hourly to this very day. But to have and hold Izzy and Liam is such a blessing.  We know this, but sometimes we need a little reminder of how very lucky we have been, despite the grief we often feel.

The months that followed were empty in some ways, but then fleeting moments of fullness in others. Fred and I turned in towards each other and shut the rest of the world out almost completely. Fred didn't let anyone in. For me, only my closest friends, and even some of them weren't allowed entry. I went through motions, smiled politely, avoided eye contact, didn't return phone calls, wouldn't answer the door... A few broke through, but barely. Fred was my rock and Izzy and Liam the reason to keep breathing. We did things together. Alone mostly. And somehow got even closer, even though I viewed us as incredible close already.

Fred had to leave in June for ten weeks and so I was left with the duty of packing up the house for our next duty station in California, keeping my sorrow in check for the sake of the kids. Fred had it worse as he had to go to San Antonio for that time and besides playing GI Joe with youngsters, also drowned in his sorrow a bit without the kids and me being there to keep him positive. It was a long, difficult, lonely time. But we made it through and Fred joined us in early September in Anacortes, Washington at my sister's house and then we made a family trip down the coast to California. 

We've moved to the middle of nowhere California and will be here for about 10 months for Fred's work. Desolate, isolated...the nearest "town" is an hour away and I use the term "town" loosely. I dreaded it, but it's turned out to be the best thing for our family. We've been here since September and there is nothing to do, but be with each other. It's family time we've never experienced. Fred's schedule at the hospital has always been demanding and just crazy, but here we wake up and get to say bye to him, see him for dinner almost every night and even get him for lunch much of the time. On weekends he goes in only if someone gets hurt. Even then, it's only for a few hours. We sleep in, eat breakfast together, snuggle, have family movie night several times a week, have time to make homemade pizza... It has been healing and just wonderful. Our neighbors seem nice, but mostly people keep to themselves. That's ok, because we are still in that keep to ourselves mode too. It's nice to disconnect with things that don't matter, the hustle and bustle, chaos and drama, and just hone into us. We are slowly emerging and reconnecting with others. Not that our friends aren't important, they are so important to us, but we need to be whole again before we can even attempt to branch out again. We're getting there. With each day, we are getting there. Nothing will ever be the same. We aren't the same people we were. But we do know we are lucky to have each other. Lucky we have Liam and Izzy. Lucky we have an incredible family. And blessed that we have friends for the most part that get us and understand our time of isolation. We are still reminding each other to inhale and exhale, but sometimes we actually catch ourselves doing it without concentrating on it. That's progress.

I'll try to do a better job updating and I need to blog on my travel site on how incredible our journey down the coast was with the kiddos. And there is still a lot going on in our lives, big surprises ahead and lots of happy times to share, but for now, I have a monkey sitting on my couch that needs some snuggling.