Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a 1,000 winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled light
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die.
Anonymous
I gently put Kellan back in the bassinet, crept out to the living room and opened the front door to feel the whoosh of the wind against me. I stood there for a few minutes, then realized the neighbors would probably think I was nutso just standing there in my nightgown feeling the wind rush passed me, so I left the front door open and opened up all the windows so I could just hear the wind come in as I sat on the couch.
I write this to recount this morning, almost trying to prove to you that I know you are here, but in my heart I know you watch over us and are with us every single moment of every single day. I feel it. I just felt it stronger today. But since you're constantly one with our lives, you know all of this already. You also know how much we love you and miss you and that we talk about you constantly. Liam feels a connection to you that I could have never believed was possible. He asks about you all the time--wanting to know what you looked like, asking why you had to go to heaven, inquiring when we will meet you again. He is proud to have you as a sibling, but sad that you aren't here with us beyond your spirit presence. The questions are more incessant since your brother, Kellan was born. When Liam first asked about you, I was holding Kellan and I felt an immediate ping of pain, the feeling that I had betrayed you. I guess that's partially why I didn't tell many people I was pregnant--I was afraid I would lose another beloved baby AND I didn't want you to look down and think you were replaced. You could never be replaced. But you know that. Then I also feels like you were a part of giving us Kellan--that you looked down on us while we were in the depths of our grief and helped us get through it. Maybe you even gave us the strength each morning to get up and that you were part of the force that allowed your Dad and I turned towards one another to fight through the grief, instead of turning away from each other like the wounded animals that we felt we were. We look at Kellan and feel what a gift he is, but simultaneously, it also makes us miss you and wonder what you would be like, who you would have become... Those thoughts bring smiles to our faces, but tears too. We miss you.
Today is your day and we celebrate the very little time we got with you. Liam and Izzy decided that you too would love pancakes and eggs for breakfast, so we made those in your honor. They also decided that your favorite drink would be pink lemonade, so against my better judgement, we had that for breakfast too. Funny, it's their favorite drink too. They haven't decided what you would like for lunch and dinner on your birthday, but they know that you want a cake, so we will be making that soon. But you know all of this, because you are with us today and always, but I needed to say it out loud. Every year we will make this day special as we would do for my other three children here on earth. Thank you for sending the comforting wind this morning. Though I know you are here, it was reassuring feeling you here in a physical way. And thank you for the beautiful day you gave us--the sun is out, the birds are singing and there wind has died down completely, but there is still a gentle breeze to remind me you are here.
I love you, I miss you and you will always be my child. I am a mother of four and today is your birthday. Happy Birthday, sweet angel.
1 comments:
Dear Declan,
We love you, and miss you.
Grandma and Grandpa O
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